TAYLOR SWIFT NEARLY BREAKS NECK AT GRAMMYS

I've been told that I'm too negative on this blog.  In my attempt to be more positive, I have to say that Taylor Swift looked positively stupid headbanging through her performance at The Grammys Sunday night.  In case you missed it, here it is...



Now I understand this might be an emotional  song for her to sing.  It's supposedly about her break up with Jake Gyllenhaal.  But good God she looks stupid doing that.  The whole thing might have been choreographed by her and her handlers to show she's not just a simple little country hick.  If that's the case, they should have thought of something else.  She looked like someone was repeatedly hitting her in the back with a stick.

FAT PEOPLE FALLING

Since there's nothing funnier than fat people falling, here you go...

WHAT THE HELL IS MICHELLE OBAMA SMOKING?

I don't know if you've seen the video of The First Lady with the Miami Heat yet or not.  If not, here it is...



I know they're filming a healthy eating add, but what is up with Barry's wife?  Good God, that is not very First Ladylike.  And the way she takes a bite out of that apple with this kind of vixen look on her face and then tramps around the players.  And then she dunks the ball and makes those really weird sounds.  I think what is happening here is that she is getting really turned on by all these black men and she is subconsciously making fornication noises.  And the bite out of the apple?  It's obviously a Freudian/Adam and Eve thing going on there.  I think you can obviously say, Barry's wife wants to be with a real black man.

FACEBOOK FOLLIES

What is it with these people on Facebook that are constantly being so annoying by doing things like posting a picture of a plate of food because they're at a restaurant?  Unless you're my child, I really don't give two fucks about your plate of food, (and honestly I don't care about my children's plate of food, either).  Or what about the person who makes all these comments kind of leading people to believe that they're suicidal?  The police get called.  They do a welfare check.  It was all Facebook, bullshit drama to get attention from the person that doesn't want to be in a relationship with them.  There's also the person that posts dozens of pictures of a couple of events and it makes it look like they lead this exotic life, full of adventure when in reality, they're sitting at home on the computer with snot running out of their nose while picking at a pesky zit on their ass.  Let's not forget the person who works out once a month and makes sure to post it every time they do.  And then there's the person that gives a play-by-play account of their daily life.  They'll say things like, had to run to the store to pick up some cous cous for tonight's dinner I'm making."  First of all... who gives a fuck?  Second of all... why don't they put things like, I just farted and it really stinks."  Or, "I just took the nastiest shit and my asshole is burning really bad."  If you're going to put your life on display, you might as well give us the whole thing.

WOW!

So I have a beautiful 16 year old step daughter.  She plays the guitar and sings and everyone thinks she is this wonderfully sweet, multi-talented girl with the voice of an angel.  She is all that, but... there is one thing no one would ever guess she does.  We may be sitting there reading or just having a quiet time and all of a sudden with absolutely no warning whatsoever she will let a gigantic fart.  I mean the kind of fart that sounds like she blew her ass apart and it needs to be surgically repaired.  I'm talking about the kind of fart that the dog and cat leave the room.  No joke.  They're so bad, you almost need to be proud.

HEY FOOTBALL PLAYER... WE ALREADY KNOW YOU'RE A STUD

So you see this from time to time and we saw it yesterday in Green Bay.  It was around five degrees with a windchill factor of about -15 and you've got these guys running around the field with short sleeves.  Now I know guys like Eddie Lacy of the Packers say they want their bare skin touching the ball so they can feel it and not fumble.  Well how do most of the receivers wear long sleeves and not fumble the ball?  And then you've got a majority of the linemen with short sleeves and they almost never handle the ball.  Someone needs to let them know that we all know they're badasses.  You don't need to prove anything to anyone guys.  We get it.  You're the toughest of the tough and the baddest of the bad.  ESPN's Sports Science did a segment on being cold and trying to do physical things.  What it showed is that the colder you are your strength and reaction time are substantially affected.  So guys... stop trying to prove something everybody already knows and dress warm in the cold weather for fuck's sake.

WHY DON'T CATS FART?

I'm constantly being asked by my fiancé, "Did you fart?"  First off, when I fart, everyone knows it was me.  You NEVER have to ask.  Secondly, I'm tired of being asked when it was clearly the dog.  How do I know it was the dog?  Because the smell is what we have come to call, "the garbage fart."  It doesn't actually smell like garbage so I'm not really sure why we call it that.  The strange thing is, the cat could be sitting right there and never once has anyone thought the cat farted.  So do cats not fart? 

THAT'S HOW WE DO IT DOWN HERE IN TEXAS

I have family that lives in Texas and also a few friends.  One thing I've noticed is they like to tell you, "Well that's how we do it down here in Texas!"  It could be something as simple as buttering toast and they love to tell you that's how it's done in Texas.  I've got a little news flash for these Texas people that think they're so god damn special.  That's how it's done in the other 49 states too.

YOLO

So a while back I was talking to a guy and he was a few years younger than me so I asked him, "What does YOLO mean?"  He thought for a second and then said, "you know... I don't know."  So I pulled out my smartphone and went to none other than the +Urban Dictionary and looked it up.  "Oh hey," I said.  "It means 'you only live once.'  To be honest I thought it was some Hispanic thing."  Now when this guy and I see each other at work we sometimes randomly yell out, "YOLO!"

UM... RICE? WHAT'S UP WITH THE WINGS?

I'm watching the +Autozone +Liberty Bowl and I'm wondering why +Rice University  has wings on their helmets that look exactly like the +Oregon Ducks wings that they have on their helmets?  I understand they're the Rice Owls, but if you wanted wings, couldn't they have come up with something a little different?

TOM BRADY DOESN'T GET MUCH LOVE FROM HIS TEAMMATES

Check out this YouTube video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqfmnfwUOz4

Do the +New England Patriots not like +Tom Brady?  Brady has always seemed like a different type of guy and he's one of those guys it's easy to not like.  He's probably a nice enough guy, but he does bring some of this on himself.  Like the time he cried because he didn't get drafted as high as he thought he should've:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGF4l3hcgBg

I don't know about you, but I have a hard time feeling sorry for the guy.  Hey, has anyone seen my Uggs?

JASON GARRETT STILL IN DALLAS

So apparently Jason Garrett is still in as coach of the +Dallas Cowboys, even though they finished 8-8 for the third year in a row and missed the playoffs again.  The problem is that there are not a lot of good coaches out there that would come and deal with Jerry Jones on a daily basis.  Mike Shanahan has been mentioned by +Sam Farmer of the +Los Angeles Times as someone who Jerry really likes and he was fired by the +Washington Redskins today.  If Garrett was let go would Jerry Jones bring in Shanahan and if so would he let him hire his own staff?

MARK THOMPSON'S WIFE IS PISSED AT ME

So I made a comment about the +Mark “and Lynda” Thompson podcast, (www.markandlynda.us) yesterday that really got Lynda pissed off at me.  First, I'll give you a little background... Mark and Lynda did their Christmas podcast the other day and leading up to it Lynda had made several comments about how their grown children, who are not a regular part of the show, had to not yell so much on this years Christmas show.  They ended up playing Christmas trivia and their oldest daughter was really getting into it and was yelling really loudly no matter how many times they told her to stop.  I made a comment on their website saying how annoying it was to listen to.  Lynda saw the comment and then read this blog and saw that I said she's "really fucking stupid" and "dumber than a box of rocks."  I was completely out of line and wrong.  I love Mark and Lynda's show and I was being a real asshole.  So anyway, she wasn't too happy with me.  Lynda... I apologize.

WHAT IS IT WITH PEOPLE IN THE GYM?

I attend a 24 hour gym called +Anytime Fitness  and usually go late at night.  A trend I'm seeing that seems to be getting worse is other members that don't put their equipment away when they're done.  They literally just leave shit laying all over the place.  I would hate to see what their pigsty of a house looks like.  And then you have the guy that literally has about half of the equipment in use.  He's got his water bottle on one machine, his weight lifting belt hanging on another and a towel draped over another.  Does he think this is his personal gym?  There's also the yeller.  You know who I'm talking about... the big guy that is curling with 80 pound dumb bells and lets out a blood curdling yell with every rep because he wants everyone to see how much weight he's pushing.

THE DALLAS COWBOYS ARE THE GREATEST MEDIOCRE TEAM OF ALL TIME

If they had a title for being mediocre the +Dallas Cowboys would win it hands down.  It's their third straight 8-8 season and the third straight year they've had a win or go home scenario.  At some point this mediocrity has got to start affecting the bottom line.  Everyone says they need to hire a high profile coach.  They've tried and they can't because nobody wants to work for Jerry Jones.  You can't even hire your own staff because Jerry does it for you.  Seriously... what the fuck?  Jerry decides who calls the plays.  Jerry is starting to remind people of Al Davis.  The difference being that Al Davis actually was relevant as a GM at one point and Jerry never has been.  Jerry Jones you are destroying one of the greatest franchises in the history of sports.  I beg you to step down as GM.

WILL THE DALLAS COWBOYS EVER WIN ANOTHER SUPER BOWL?

No.  The Dallas Cowboys will never win another Super Bowl as long as Jerry Jones is running the football side of things.  Their defense this year is absolutely atrocious.  The only reasons they are in a position to win their division is because their division sucks and Tony Romo makes things happen on offense.  With Kyle Orton starting tonight, things do not look good.  They will need DeMarco Murray to run the ball 35 times, but with their history of play calling this season that probably won't happen. 

Jerry... do us all a favor and hire a general manager  We all acknowledge you're a brilliant businessman, but you have to let go of your ego and realize you're not an NFL general manager.  Please. 

WHAT'S UP WITH ART BELL?

So there was quite a bit of fanfare last September when Art Bell started a new late night talk show on SiriusXM.  SiriusXM saw a huge spike in subscriptions when the king of late night radio announced he was coming back. 

During the first month or so, there were a couple of the sudden and mysterious illnesses that kept him off the air for a night or two, (just like old times).

On Halloween we even got to hear another Ghost to Ghost show, now renamed Spooky Matter, (named after the title of the new SiriusXM show, Dark Matter).

But alas, that was it for Art Bell.  He performed another one of his disappearing acts.  He made some excuse about it was too hard for people to call in and when it's a call-in talk show you need callers.  It seemed the lines were always full though.

Could it be after a few weeks of a grueling four day work week, Art Bell decided he would rather go back to doing nothing?

Apparently now his lawyers are working around the clock to get him released from his non-compete agreement with SiriusXM, but I doubt we will ever hear Art Bell again on the airwaves, the satellites or the internet.

What the fuck, Art?

THE OREGON DUCKS SUCK

You know, there was a time when I actually liked to see the Oregon Ducks do well.  Being a lifelong Oregon State Beavers fan, the only time I wanted the Ducks to lose was against the Beavers.  But something happened...

At some point in time, and I'm not really that sure when it happened, the Ducks became this thing... I can't even find a word for it.  It's like they're the pompous elite, stepping on the rights of the working man.  They're the New York Yankees, (minus any titles). 

It's not just Uncle Phil and Nike's money.  They changed.  They're not what they were when Dan Fouts or Mel Renfro or Ahmad Rashad went there.  Their fans are a bunch of assholes.  They act like they've won something. 

Fuck the Ducks.

WHERE ARE MARK AND BRIAN?

So whatever happened to Mark & Brian who had the syndicated radio show based out of KLOS radio in Los Angeles?

Well, they're both doing podcasts now.  Brian, with Jill Whelan, who was Captain Stubing's daughter on "The Loveboat".  Mark is doing his podcast with his wife, Lynda.

When you listen to both shows you quickly come to realize that Mark had a lot more to do with the content of the Mark & Brian Show than most people realized.  And you also realize that Brian's humor is not nearly as funny when Mark isn't there to laugh at it. 

I actually can't really stand listening to Brian and Jill's podcast.  It's just not that funny and they both get on your nerves.  On the other hand, "The Mark and Lynda Podcast" (www.markandlynda.us) is addicting.  Mark, the radio god, has his ego kept in check by Lynda.  Together, along with producer Jordan Ryan, they have created a daily hour and a half of fun, laughter and sometimes even tears.

VIAGRA PART TWO

Have you ever known anyone that takes Viagra? I'm talking about guys that take it because they need to. Like guys in their 50's. I know a couple guys that take it and brag about it. I'm not their age yet so maybe I just don't understand, but I personally wouldn't be telling people that I need to take a pill to get a boner.