So awhile back Sheryl Crow let it be known in some interview that one of the things she does to reduce her carbon footprint is to only use one square of toilet paper when she drops a deuce. Thanks for sharing that Sheryl. Anyway, that might work well for her... I bet her poop even smells like peaches and cream... for a lot of people, like me for instance, one square of toilet paper just won't do. If I tried to use one square of toilet paper my ass would literally laugh at me. And unless Sheryl has some secret celebrity heavy duty toilet paper the rest of us don't know about, wouldn't her fingers kind of break through with just one square used? That's kind of disgusting.
I've been a Dallas Cowboys fan for a long, long time. As long as I can remember, actually. I'm proud of the history of the team. Roger Staubach's heroics... Tony Dorsett retiring as the 2nd all time leading rusher... Emmitt Smith retiring as the all time leading rusher... Tom Landry being the only coach they had for their first 29 years of existence. Everyone knows the history that took place when Jerry Jones bought the team so I won't go into all of that. I will say this though... Jerry Jones, please shut up. I try really hard to like you and give you the benefit of the doubt and then you open your mouth. Your latest thing was when all the turmoil was going on between Terrell Owens, Tony Romo and Jason Witten you said, "We love that stuff." Huh? You love all that shit going on and then you lose a game to the Ravens that has put in serious jeopardy your team making the playoffs? Jerry, really... shut the fuck up. Take a lesson from Paul Allen and shut up. Stop talking. I have this fear that in 10 years when Jones is getting senile, he will be reading a letter much like Al Davis of the Raiders on why he just fired his latest coach. Jerry, you're ruining a franchise that had a history you had nothing to do with, but claim as your own. Just go away.
So everyone knows a few years ago that Art Modell packed up the Cleveland Browns and moved them to Baltimore to become the Ravens. Then a few years later Cleveland was awarded a new franchise by the NFL which they named the Browns. Same name, new team. Here's my problem... the new Cleveland organization as well as the fans and the media act like it's the same organization, but it's not. That team and their history belongs to the Baltimore Ravens. I tuned in to a Cleveland game earlier this season and they were celebrating the history of the Cleveland Browns as if it was their own. They even paid special tribute to Paul Brown, who started the original Cleveland team, naming it after himself, (what if his name would have been Boganski?) Paul Brown didn't even stay with Cleveland. He owned the Cincinnati Bengals. They were even honoring former Cleveland great players. Aren't the Cleveland fans, media and even the NFL deluding themselves and acting as if Art Modell never moved the team and they've been there all along?
So yesterday during the big winter storm, I was watching FOX 12 and they were showing some pictures of the area and they showed one where there was snow on the beach and the anchorman said, "And there's a picture of snow on the beach in Long Beach." His partner, Kimberly Maus, who's been in this area for a few years, replied, "It's hard to believe that's Oregon." Kimberly... Long Beach is in Washington. So I guess her statement actually had a lot of truth in it.
So I'm at the grocery store in the cat litter aisle and this lady comes up behind me and is staring intently at the cat litter. We're like three feet apart and she's looking down at the bottom shelf and I'm just standing there staring at her. This goes on for like 30 seconds, so finally I say, "Mom." She looks up completely startled and says, "Chris... what are you doing?" I said to her, "Well I'm in a grocery store and I have a shopping cart with stuff in it... what the fuck do you think I'm doing?" Actually I didn't say that to my mom, but I did think it.
What is it with these people that won't shut up? You know the type I'm talking about... you're at the DMV or waiting for your pizza at Little Caesar's, (hot and ready???) and some guy, even though you are doing your best to give off a do not speak to me vibe, decides he's going to engage you in conversation. Undeterred by your non-responsiveness he forges ahead determined to speak to you whether you like it or not. When you continue to not acknowledge him he'll finally ask a question, forcing you to be a rude asshole when you don't respond. Amazingly, he keeps talking.
So there's this show that I'm sure many of you have seen on the Sci-Fi Channel called Ghost Hunters. For years I've watched this show and have been amazed by some of the evidence of the paranormal they've uncovered. After awhile the two main characters start to wear on you a little. The fat, bald one is named Jason and he's an asshole. He tries to portray himself as this big badass, but in reality he's this tubby little 5' 8" guy. Grant, his little, annoying maggot of a sidekick is even smaller and has the personality of the kid on your grade school basketball team that was always like, "anything for the team, coach." Anyway these guys portray themselves as above reproach in the ghost hunting field and that they go in trying to disprove a haunting, therefor making any evidence they do find 100% ironclad. I've recently come across information that these guys fake some of their so called evidence. Look at this link and see for yourself... (**UPDATE** The link no longer works because of copyright reasons. It's funny you can see other videos but the one that proves they faked something has a copyright problem. Yeah.) I've read that when the production company, Pilgrim Television that produces the show Ghost Hunters were looking for a team to do the show, they first went to a ghost hunting group in California and were turned down because in the contract it stated they would have to fake some evidence. So they brought in TAPS, headed by the aforementioned assholes Jason and Grant. Apparently TAPS didn't have a problem with faking things. Now I've had people watch the show with me and see things like a table move and say it had to be faked. I would argue on TAPS behalf saying that they are for real and genuine. Now I like to think of myself as a halfway intelligent guy, but apparently in regards to TAPS and the show Ghost Hunters I was a complete imbecile. I will never again watch this show unless it is to find reasons to make fun of them. To Jason and Grant I give you my middle finger.
I'm thankful our tax dollars are going to such good use with the bailout... I'm thankful Tony Romo's pinky is doing better... I'm thankful for my neighbor's unsecured internet connection... I'm thankful Obama is going to save us all... I'm thankful for Deschutes Brewery... I'm thankful for Widmer Brothers Brewing... I'm thankful for Full Sail Brewery... I'm thankful the Oregon State Beavers have a shot at the Rose Bowl... I'm thankful the Cowboys play on Thanksgiving... I'm thankful I have assholes to bitch about...
Everywhere you go there are assholes. Assholes at work... assholes at the store... assholes on the road. Are assholes even aware that they're assholes? Or have they been assholes so long that it's just become who they are in their core being? Don't you sometimes just feel like punching an asshole right in his face? And why are all assholes male? I suppose it's because a female asshole would technically be a bitch, but that's another post. The worst kind of asshole is one that is your boss. He knows there is really nothing you can do about it if you value your job at all. Some assholes are subversive in their assholishness. It's the little snide comments as you walk away. That kind of asshole is usually small in physical stature and that's why they can't just come out and be a blatant asshole because they would get their ass kicked a lot. Assholes seem to be growing in number so maybe it's time we actually do start punching them in their faces to keep them in check.
Have you ever known anyone that you wondered if they were bi-polar? Not polar like the bear, but polar as in a little wacky and mentally unbalanced. Sometimes they seem perfectly normal and other times they might start to get tears in their eyes over things that to most would seem innocuous. And they do it at places like work, for instance.
What's with those weight loss commercials you see on ESPN that feature Chris Berman and Mike Golic as the spokesperson? Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't both of those guys kind of fat? They mention Dan Marino in one of the spots, but the strange thing about that is, I don't ever remember Dan Marino being fat. Why would he need a weight loss program if he was never fat? In another one with both Mike and Bob Golic, (who actually looks like he lost weight) they do some weird chant about potroast. Is that really their big selling point? Potroast? I could see if the chant involved hotwings, bacon cheeseburgers, potato skins and the like, but potroast?
Maybe they should change their slogan to, "Join now and in six months you'll still be fat like Mike Golic."